Pace and trust
Something isn't right. I’m looking at myself in the mirror. Outwardly, everything looks ok. With make up I look a bit more alive. But simple tasks. Walking. Wondering why my fridge looks hungover and encrusted. Simple things. All feel too much. Too hard.
I’ve crashed. And I’ve landed somewhere I’ve never been before. It takes all my energy to walk to church. And when I get there all I can do is sit, rest while the worship music surrounds me. God, how did this happen? Why?
One of the most undeniably, wonderful aspects of my life is my spiritual relationship. Loving God. It’s not popular or on trend. It’s considered a whole bunch of stuff - and sometimes, in other people’s view - plants me professionally in the zone of Narnia. But honestly. I don’t care. If only people knew the delight and ecstasy (read that as slow burn happiness, rather than short burst enthusiasm) of knowing the author of love Himself. I know it’s upheld me and changed me. I see life in an entirely new way. It’s wonderful and the best decision I committed to. But it’s undoubtedly the hardest.
This is a new kind of tired. I’m confused, worn out and upset. I’ve had the most intense two years of my career so far. A job offer. I’d not taken a job since the noughties. Now I was ready. I took the job. It was just what I wanted. They moved heaven and earth to make it happen. And then a plot twist. Less than a year in something came my way that was out of this world. It was dream, big dream, job territory. Things went really well. So much energy and enthusiasm carried the venture. And then, it unravelled.
Pace is an invisible, critical ingredient in life. It’s not sexy or talked about much. It works at a micro and macro level. For creativity in work it’s essential. I was reaping the mother of all come downs. I was experiencing what felt like a ton of delayed good stuff. Buying my first place had been a grind to find a mortgage. It had taken a few years to get there. My love life was stuck in tractor crawling pace. A lot of wine worthy anecdotes - when I was really craving deep connection with a man I’d want to rush home for. I was creating and building so much for other people - clients in fact - that I was feeling bereft about what was being built in my personal life. It was so subconscious. Below that level. I wasn’t aware that it was even an issue. Until my crash happened.
The crash forced me to take a long look at some stuff I felt short changed on. Where had I grown as a person, where was I stunted? I wonder if that’s one of the issues as a Christian. Do we give ourselves freedom to look at the stunted bits? There are certain areas of my life that have big branches of growth. They’re holding up treehouses and people are coming under the shade to have a picnic. There’s other parts that resemble charred stumps. I’m desperate for them to grow but no idea how to revive them or get them going.
I’ve deliberated over some questions:
Why do I feel the need to rush and achieve stuff?
Do I believe money is the key to unlocking my destiny?
Where do I place relationships and even miracles in opening up my future?
If I profess to trusting an invisible, all-loving God, how does understanding pace benefit me?
Some pauses in life can be forced on us. And when a stop happens, you’ve got to take stock. Look around and figure out, how did I get here? What do I need to change? Change is essential for growth. Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result is the definition of madness. We need to be kind to ourselves to let change in. I honestly think, if we’re not growing we’re kinda dying. There isn’t really a plateau. That doesn’t really exist. My growing at the moment looks like a lot of rest and a lot of learning. I’m keen to learn - soaking up the best wisdom on this topic - and keen to understand how pace and trust is beautifully intertwined. It’s hard to write that. Right now I can’t really trust that statement. But it has to be true. Otherwise you default to hustle mode. And hustle doesn’t pause, reflect or take stock. At some point this time will make a lot more sense. I’ll let you know when it does.